disjointed

1:26 am. Ugly naked guy's (yes i have my very own) walking around in his apartment in the building across from mine - only today he has boxers and a t-shirt on. Also he's not really ugly, not because i cant see his face but because no one really is - sad how t.v. series are so different from life *silent internal giggle*. eyes glazed over, yellow ledbetter coming from somewhere far far away through the soaked cotton that has miraculously multiplied inside my head in the past three days and is pushing to get out. *inhale* *exhale* focus.
i watch from behind my lazy eyelids as this sentance gets larger, alphabet by alphabet, word by word. hair needs washing, apartment needs cleaning, self needs hugging. Red gloves. I pause, perfectly still and in this stillness i wonder if all else will pause with me, something ? anything ? it all moves forward, sliding out from beneath my feet. Theres no panic this time. Anxiety comes and goes. i breathe. Breathes should always be spent on something worthwhile, afterall we do have a finite number of them. I wonder what your spending yours on.
worthless words, empty hearts, mindless activities, laughing, crying, communicating, convincing people that you're alive.

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

-- Sylvia Plath