Time for Judgement

I felt cheated. I had lost her. Stolen, she was shrouded, distanced by choice and closed to my differences. It wasn’t fair because she was the one who had changed. and perhaps accepting difference works both ways but in this case, in a battle of tit for tat I wasn’t going to accept hers not only because she wouldn’t accept mine but because we were us first. She was like me, first. She changed.

I am stubborn, but she called me recalcitrant for all the wrong reasons. Now I don’t know who she is and I’m not sure who’s fault that is, anymore. Should I blame the world that brought her to kneel in such a self-sacrificing fashion or myself for some unnamed act, or comment or lack thereof at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Or shall I blame my favorite God, for letting her slip away, in His name. For being all-knowing, all-seeing yet open to interpretation in such a fashion that people find happiness in assuming he wants to turn homogonous sacrificial lambs out of His free-willed (highest of all) beings destined (in my unseasoned opinion) to be diverse. For letting people use and abuse His name for power, hate and cowardly acts that are meant to deliver them from the womb of their pain and suffering into an immortal life of bliss. Are people really abandoning all logic in their absurd interpretations of Him, or are such interpretations possible and hence valid? I intend on finding out for myself. Whatever the answer, I refuse to believe in an un-accepting God, in a judgmental God, in a demanding and callous God. In a vengeful God who waits to strike upon indulgent and tolerant people. In your human-like God.

In the meantime, there will always be a void in my life and a hole in my heart, where you once were. Memories of your unfaltering courage, careless laughter, and careful rebellions; the ease with which you reflected me when i couldn't see myself, are now faded relics, buried in darkness and absence. I’ve tried to ignore it, fill it up with others and deny that this void, this hole, exists. But from time to time, it stares at me, quietly whispering, testifying to its being…. And all the while I wonder if I should wage this losing battle, for you, with an open-to-(mis)interpretation-God.